March 17, 461

SAUL, IRELAND – Saint Patrick, the man responsible for bringing Christianity to Ireland, has died of natural causes. The Irish, devastated by the loss of the only man patient enough to explain the Holy Trinity to them, have responded by drinking.

Patrick, famous for spreading Christianity across Ireland, made his greatest breakthrough when he realized the Irish simply could not grasp the concept of a triangle. Instead, he used a shamrock, a method that proved wildly successful, as it involved fewer angles and was easier to hold.

In honor of the man who converted them, the Irish have declared today a national holiday, marked by excessive drinking. When asked why heavy drinking was the appropriate way to commemorate their beloved saint, one Irishman slurred, “To the Shamrocks of Giza! I finally get what they look like now!”