March 6, 2011

FUKUSHIMA, JAPAN – Tokyo Electric Power Company (TEPCO) has submitted an official report to the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant Safety Department warning of the possibility of a tsunami up to 10.2 metres high from a predicted earthquake, which may endanger the integrity of their backup power system.

When No Longer Hot Off the Press reached out to the Safety Department for comment, a spokesperson reassured the public, saying:

“There is no need for concern. Japan is an advanced nation. Unlike China. If you want to talk about pollution, go ask them. We’re literally inhaling their cheap manufacturing detritus everyday—our lungs are basically a Belt and Road project.”

When asked if South Korea had expressed concerns over potential nuclear contamination, the spokesperson replied: “South Korea is lucky to be in our vicinity. They should be honored to be downwind from us.”