February 24, 1692

Salem, MA – A physician named Doctor William Briggs has solved the mysterious medical cases of Elizabeth Paris, 9, and Abigail Williams, 11, declaring that “it’s, like, definitely 100% witchcraft” that’s caused their recent symptoms of barking like a dog, making weird noises, and seeing ghosts. Authorities have vowed swift action against alleged witches and will enact legal proceedings called “witch trials” later this month. In the meantime, to quell mass hysteria, the Salem government has mandated their citizens to wear masks in order to prevent the spreading of witchcraftery. When No Longer Hot Off the Press reached out to Doctor Briggs on how he came to his diagnosis, Briggs replied, “How dare you question me, I’m a Doctor!”

In unrelated news, local dunking chairs and stake manufacturers report a surge in business.